I was going to write a blog about classification and ethnicity. I came upon a new proposal for a college application while reading one of my education journals and it angered me. There must have be forty different groups from which an applicant could select to identify her or himself. Then there was White. It pissed me off. Here there were all these exotic groups from exotic countries and, had I been an applicant, all I could choose was white. I mean, the only thing white about me is my hair. I don’t want to be classified by my hair let me tell you. But I had a solution.

Among the fifty thousand (I may be exaggerating here) selections you could opt for there was also ‘other’. Ok, I said. Here is where I can be represented the way I want to be represented. In my pretend application I entered BRONX BLUE-EYED IRISH YANKEE JET RANGER FAN AMERICAN.

If you’re going to classify me, that’s how I want it to go down. Why should any school or sick, perverted,  government statistician get to decide how I see myself and how I want others to see me? White? Not so fast bukco. This here citizen is a BBEIYJRFA. Stick that in your algorithm.

As for the rest of you? You are on your own which is exactly as it should be. Why do we need to know where you originated from? On an individual basis it’s one of the things that we reveal when we get to know people but there is no reason to have to reveal that sort of thing to strangers. I don’t call Cablevision, let’s say, and start off with ‘Hey I’m a white guy in East Quogue and my cable just went out.’ (I’m guessing some of you wish my internet access went out, huh?) No, that has no relevance to the service I am requesting.

There is a great deal of information about us that we don’t need to share. No one asks us what foods we like when applying for a mortgage. Who cares about whether we are on Facebook when we hire someone to mow our grass. I can’t begin to think of all the information that never comes up when you enter into a contract with someone. My feeling is, then, if there is some information that contracting parties don’t care to know about each other, why, then, should anyone else care to know. Are you following me?

For example, if I’m a Bronx Blue-Eyed Irish Yankee Jet Ranger Fan American and I enter into a contract with someone who is a Bronx Brown-Eyed Italian Met Giant Islander Fan American, does that affect your ability to enter into a contract with someone else that may or may not be a member of either of these groups? Do you even care that I enter into a contract with anyone for any reason? You see where I’m heading don’t you?

That same logic leads me to conclude that no one should worry about whatever types of contracts people elect to enter. Marriage is a contract. Whether you enter into this type of contract or a contract to purchase a car has the same effect on my ability to do the same which is to say, it has no effect.

It seems that, if we are to accept what we read in the papers and see on TV that there are quite a few people who want to restrict and preserve the right to enter into a marital contract for some reason or other. When someone we know is getting married we may have our own opinion as to whether it is a good match or if they are ready for that type of commitment. If you have the nerve and audacity to give an opinion, the loving couple can tell you to take a leap. That’s how it should be and that’s how it is….except for some.

You see, if you entered an answer in a particular data field onto the Big Data Entry Form that would deign to rule our lives, ‘They’ might not want to let you get married. The fact that you want to assert your willingness to love, honor, and let the other person think you will obey, is all fine and dandy. If you answered that one question the wrong way for the Bedroom Censors of The Holier Than Thou Agency, we ain’t gonna let ya.

Don’t bother telling them that the people they allow and openly encourage to get married have a fifty-fifty chance of keeping their end of their contract. They are only interested in the type of data that can pigeon hole you and categorize you. Their data is not to be used to help you interpret anything, only to put you in your place.

We all know what that question is. But I have a question too. Why do we care? The fact is that heterosexuals are not exactly sanctifying the contract of marriage. Fifty percent of marriages do fail. No one is asking what these couples do or don’t do in bed so what are we worried about if we extend this  basic, human right to love another individual while enjoying the protections of the law that they each enjoy as single individuals

I really don’t get it and I am tired of being dictated to by a bunch or rebel, pseudo religious fanatics who think the Civil War is still raging.

We won’t let you get married but you can buy a gun at Wal-Mart. Not sure what Gospel that was in.